So… you’re at crisis point, right? … or getting close?
Or at least, you feel like that point is somewhere on the horizon, gradually getting ominous closer and closer…. And you’ll be there at some point in the future unless you change something significant between you two.
It’s an all too common story, along with the feelings that go along with it; you feel frustrated, you feel ignored. And like there’s just no romantic connection left. No spark.
Maybe you miss the intimacy you used to share with your partner.
Or maybe you even fear when they begin ‘coming on to you’ or giving you flirty signs that they want to have sex that evening?
You might even have guilt, or shame about your sex-life, or how little you are currently satisfying your partners needs? (or them yours?)
“I know she’s in pain because of me, I’ve hurt her. She’s suffering because of me, because of us. I wanna do better, I want to find ‘us’ again. She says i don’t love her any more, she thinks i don’t find her attractive… but I DO!”
You remember the ‘good old days’ when you really had DESIRE for your partner, and you couldn’t keep your hands off them (and they couldn’t from you either). There was electricity, flirty glances, and ‘knowing looks’ with a cheeky wry smile.
Now, you feel like there’s ALMOST no hope. (The word ‘ALMOST’ is an important one. I’ll come back to that later… 😉 )
The good news is that there is something you can do! I have many tools, techniques, and ways you can learn to communicate that can bring back that spark, breathe life back into your relationship and bring you feelings of closeness, desire and intimacy, with each other.
So here comes your first tip, it’s a very simple one… (but that doesn’t mean it’s easy).
Tip 1: Admit it.
The first step is to admit to yourself that you have a problem, and that you are going to do something about it. That’s not easy. In fact, some might say that’s the hardest part, admitting it to yourself… and then taking the decision to invest time and energy into your future happiness.
So many couples never get past that stage, they leave it, procrastinating, using distraction strategies, and placifications like: “We’re doing ok really”, or “it’s just a phase”, “we’re busy and tired”, “we’ll be ok in a month or two”… but that month or two never really ends, and it’s been 6 months now, or 5 years … and you’re still living like friends, not lovers.
If you are at crisis point, and you have admitted it to yourself, then step 2 is easy… call me for a chat (for free) !
If you’re not quite at that point yet, and you would like to try some simple strategies yourself, then i have some other tips for you…
Tip 2: Talk to your partner.
You’ve probably done this, or at least tried, and it maybe didn’t end well, and even if it wasn’t an argument, then it was maybe a ‘stalemate’ or neither of you really had any solutions. So… this may sound crazy… but try starting the conversation with: “What can i do better?” “How can i satisfy your emotional needs more?” or “I want to be better for you, and for us.” … and then get ready to listen.
Starting the conversation from a place of vulnerability, and with a ‘solution oriented’ perspective will in many cases make for a more positive discussion, rather than an argument.
I’m tired of feeling flat, numb, frustrated. I want some spark again, I want to feel electricity between us again, I want to feel loved and give love. …. I just want to connect again, on a deeper level.”
Tip 3: Show your love in THEIR language.
Simply ask your partner to take my love language quiz (tell them it’ll benefit them big time!) and then you can start showing your affection in the ways they feel it most. You’ll be surprised at the way things can change once you start making them feel love more than ever before.
*it would also be very useful for you to take the quiz, then you can with confidence tell your partner the ways you feel their love.
Tip 4: Find yourself.
Establish some time each week where you allow yourself to be your authentic you. This doesn’t mean you have to be alone, but you do have to be away from your partner. Doing an activity YOU love, and relax with. Reading, fishing, biking, running, yoga, or whatever it is that you used to do but have lost. Simply find some “me time”, and some time to miss your partner.
It may be that you have lost yourself in your relationship. Maybe you’ve lost your own identity, or lost your connection to your inner-self.
*This tip really depends on the specific situation and ‘state’ of your relationship and life-style. Moreover, it depends whether, in your relationship, you have “merged” your lives together, or you have two seperate “parallel lives” running in the same house, and never connecting.
Tip 5: Make time for quality time (NO not sex!).
One thing that is missing from SO many of my previous clients’ relationships was quality time. (as opposed to junk time together). Time when you really connect, you turn the phone off, close the computer, the kids are with the babysitter, and there are NO distractions. … How often do you do that? … not often enough i guess.
So make a time for your next “Quality Time session” … let’s call it “a date”. Don’t worry overly about the content of the activity, just start by setting a time and a day next week sometime. Do it now! Text them and say you want “a date” with them.
You can try doing some intimacy exercises together if you know how to do them, or you can just take a shower together and give each other a massage, or comb each other’s hair. Or light some candles and listen to music lying naked in bed, or on the sofa. Or eat chocolate fondue together.. You’re only limited by your imagination. The activity isn’t important, just BE together.
Tip 6: FLIRT!
You remember flirting right? That thing you used to do when you first started dating. … why did you stop? … so start planning your next flirt. Start thinking of the next little surprise you’re gonna make for them. Start thinking of the next little gift you’re gonna get them… or start googling their favourite restaurant’s phone number to book that appointment. Start doing SOMETHING!
(Of course, at this point, in some relationships, it may not ‘feel right’ to suddenly start flirting again, and maybe it’s awkward or you feel it won’t be received well… this is a sign of how bad things have got. Maybe your relationship is further down the rabbit hole than you thought. … Ready to call me yet? )
Of course, all of the above advice is dependent upon your specific situation, and only under personal coaching can I nuance my advice and give you tailor-made strategies specific to you and your partner. You can get the perfect fit for your nuanced personalities, habits, quirks and preferences, by booking a free discovery call with me now.
If you feel there IS NO HOPE, then it’s too late. It’s very sad, but true. Now is the time for a divorce or a break-up, and start looking for another place to live…
But remember that word ‘ALMOST’ we mentioned earlier ? …
That’s the one that matters, that’s the one that tells you that it’s now or never, it’s time to save your relationship, breathe life back into the space between you both.
Enough is enough, let’s take the first step toward a relationship that GIVES you energy, instead of draining you and leaving you feeling hollow and unfulfilled.
Let’s love better, ❤️