Sexual performance anxiety: Why it happens and how to get rid of it.

  • Regain your confidence 
  • Get the spark back in your love life
  • And enjoy sex again, better than before.


I see you.

I know what you’re going through.

I understand how difficult this subject can be to talk about, or even read about… so I’ll try to handle the subject delicately for you. 

You probably feel embarrassed, and a weakness deep down in the base of your stomach even when talking about it, and sometimes feeling ‘not like a real man’. You may feel anxious (that tight or ‘sinking feeling’ in your stomach, like acid) and dread intimate moments. 

It’s a vicious circle, like laying awake in the night, and the more you think about it, the worse it gets.

The good news is:

It happens to most men (they don’t want to talk about it, but I see them in my office every week) – and it’s totally “curable”.

It’s all about learning to manage your mind, manage expectations, manage your emotions and your connection to your body with some very simple, but effective techniques – and of course understanding why it’s happening in the first place.

Performance anxiety can lead to many relationship problems including; feeling awkward when you kiss, feeling awkward when she flirts with you, even feeling awkward when you hug.  It can destroy all the intimacy and spark between you both. 

But by far the most worrying symptom (for men at least) is erectile dysfunction (ED); the inability to get an erection, or sustain an erection. 

Let go of performance anxiety

– so you can finally enjoy sex without your mind unwillingly interrupting the act

Depending how you define it, anywhere between 6% and 15% of the male population have problems with their erection. 

Problems getting an erection can be in any situation, either with your long-term partner, or when out ‘dating’. Either way, it’s embarrassing, frustrating and leaves you feeling hollow, and a bit bewildered. 

The first thing to do is contact your doctor. Yes, honestly, this is the best thing to do. If the cause of your problem is something physical, or maybe some of the medicines you may be taking, then they will be able to help you or know who can. It is always best to consult your doctor before going to any kind of therapist or coach. Even if it’s just to eliminate physical problems as a potential cause. 

When your doctor says, ‘there’s nothing medical that could be affecting you sexually’, then it’s time to look at the possible psychological and emotional causes…  and contact me! 

There are many things in your life that can affect the way you feel about your sex-life; stress, depression, lack of motivation, jealousy, suspicion, mis-trust, anger, sexual guilt, feeling lonely, emasculated, or sexually frustrated, or wanting ‘naughtier sex’, and many more…. 

Performance anxiety affects men in different ways. In addition to erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety may lead to:

  • premature ejaculation
  • delayed or blocked ejaculation
  • loss of sexual interest
  • fear of intimate moments
  • anxiousness about physical contact

Performance anxiety is typically caused by negative thoughts about one’s ability to perform well during sexual activity. This may include feelings of sexual inadequacy or the inability to please a partner. These feelings may be influenced by body image, penis size, or by perceptions about manliness or a man’s role.


One of the best methods of countering erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety is to adjust expectations. This is because it’s often the expectations of your partner (or rather, what YOU BELIEVE are the expectations of your partner) that apply the pressure. 

“Perceived Expectation” IS PRESSURE.  

So the first thing I work on in my coaching sessions, is to adjust, agree and clarify what is expected by who. (Both by yourself, and by your partner.) 

This may sound very simple. But it is rather more complicated when discussing such a delicate subject, and requires a high degree of empathy and tact.  It’s also important to set up some agreements to prevent anyone “overstepping the mark”, and accidentally applying more pressure again “in the heat of passion”. (I’m sure you know what i mean.) 

Possible methods to help you, that I work with are: 

  • being open about your anxiety and worries with your partner
  • reduction of expectations between you and your partner
  • replacement activities (emphasis on other sexual activities than penetration)
  • conversation therapy to ensure a guided progression
  • talk therapy to build trust and intimacy with your partner
  • talk therapy to build help you reduce expectation, pressure, sexual stress
  • talk therapy to build manage life-style stress
  • intimacy exercises
  • trust exercises
  • ‘connection’ activities and practices
  • focusing on what you can do, not what you THINK you should do
  • learning to “be in the moment”
  • learning to connect with your partner 
  • learning to “just be” with yourself 
  • meditation
  • removing stressful factors from your life
  • change in lifestyle, such as exercising more and eating better
  • clearing your head of negative thoughts and replacing with positive (sexy) imagery 
  • mental modelling exercises

Levels of performance anxiety (PA):

Mild PA – Talk with your partner openly, set realistic expectations, talk about other sexual activities you can both enjoy, use sex toys, try some intimacy exercises and connection exercises. 

Severe PA – if this is something you’ve been struggling with for a while – and you’ve tried ”all the tips and tricks in the book” – and you’re still struggling with it, then there are most likely some underlying issues that need exploring before any strategies are going to work for you. 

To begin solving performance anxiety today, book a free discovery call

Let’s love better, ❤️

Relationship & Intimacy Coach

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